The Women Behind The Woman

I have been re-watching all the top HBO shows of the early 2000s, and right now I’m deep into Big Love. I have to say, I am seeing this relationship in a completely different light now that I’m older and wiser. As someone pushing 50 with an exhausted husband, an exhausted me, and two kids running the show, I have to admit: The sister-wife setup doesn’t sound thaaat crazy anymore. But that's for another newsletter.

So let me set the stage. I am making dinner and working on this newsletter and listening to Big Love in the background. For those of you not familiar with the show, it follows the unconventional and complex lives of a modern-day polygamist family in Utah. Barb, Nicki, and Margene are sister wives—three women married to the same man—navigating the layered dynamics of marriage, motherhood, faith, and identity. 

"We are the women behind the woman..." This line is spoken by Nicki during a conversation about Margene’s rising professional success. The acknowledgment that behind every strong woman, there can be other strong women, choosing to support her even when it’s hard, made me stop. 

We’re Not always Raised to Support Other Women

You have heard this before if you watched Barbie. But it is true that from girlhood, we’re handed a script: Be perfect. Maybe not with those words, but its hidden meaning is clear. Be kind, but not too soft. Be smart, but not intimidating. Be pretty, but pretend it doesn’t matter. Be successful, but act like it’s effortless. Feel deeply, but don’t show it. Compete quietly, but win loudly.

And somehow in that tangled mess, we never quite learn how to be there for each other.

Sure, we support our friends. If we are lucky enough to have true, long-lasting, girl friendship, we cheer them on. We show up with flowers, send encouraging texts, share their businesses, praise their kids, their homes. But what about the other women?

The woman who is better than us.
The woman who has what we want.
The mom who seems more patient.
The CEO who’s younger.
The woman with the same education but more recognition.

Can we really support her? Stand behind her? Not hope she trips, just a little, so we can catch up?

The Science of Female Competition

Psychological and evolutionary studies show that women do, in fact, compete with each other—especially in environments where resources (like status, attention, or security) feel limited.

*One study found that women are more likely than men to engage in indirect aggression—things like social exclusion, gossip, or subtle undermining. Why? Because we’ve been taught to value cooperation and avoid open conflict. But we still compete—just more quietly. Other studies show that female competition increases when women perceive each other as rivals for limited roles: the only woman on the board, the only mom who “has it all,” the only one succeeding without apology.

We’ve been taught there’s only room for one. We fight for that spot, sometimes without even realizing it.

But we have not been taught that when women support other women to succeed, we are all lifted up. It’s not a cliché—it’s a strategy. One woman’s success doesn’t diminish another’s; it expands what’s possible for all of us.

Are We Missing a Piece?

Here’s what I wonder: What if the competition is just a symptom? What if it’s just what happens when women are raised to be everything, do everything, feel everything—but not ask for anything? Can we really do it all? Can we really be anything and everything?

What if we’re not jealous because we’re petty, but because we’re exhausted? Not because we’re shallow or vain, but because we’re constantly told that we can always be better—to do more, achieve endlessly—and we’re just plain worn out.
Because we’re still chasing a version of success that was never meant for us.
Because we’re measuring ourselves against each other instead of against our own values.

Because we are not taught how share power—just to seek it.

True Partnership Between Women

So how do we change it?
How do we become the women behind the woman—not just when it’s convenient, but when it’s hard? When it stings? When we feel small?

We start by telling the truth.
We admit the envy, the fear, the resentment—and then we choose differently.
We name our admiration out loud, even when it’s uncomfortable.
We create circles, not ladders.
We say, “She’s better than me at that—and I’m still whole.”
We build spaces where more than one woman can shine.

Before we even get to role models and representation, we have to acknowledge that this way of raising girls—rooted in perfectionism, comparison, and isolation—has to stop. If we ever want to reach positions of real power and be respected by men and each other, we need to raise girls who know how to stand beside one another, not just strive to stand out.

 I Didn’t Think Kamala Would Win

I’ll be honest. I didn’t think Kamala Harris would become president. Not because she wasn’t qualified. Not because she didn’t deserve it. But because I wasn’t sure enough women would stand behind her. I knew there were women who would cheer, but also women who would doubt her, judge her, diminish her, and distance themselves from her.

And maybe that’s the piece we still need to unlearn.

Because if we really want more women to lead, we need more women who follow—with intention, with grace, with fierce loyalty. We need more women behind the woman.

And not just our friends. Not just the women who remind us of ourselves.
But the ones who challenge us. The ones who trigger us.
The ones who make us better simply by being.

That’s where the healing is.
That’s where the power is.
That’s where we become we.

*Arizona State University (2011)